Let’s take two young men. Same age. Similar income.  Similar education. When it came to buying a car, they both had about the same amount of money to spend.

The first guy bought a 12 year old muscle car. Over the years, it had been fixed up but it needed work to get it running. But, it was a cool looking car. In addition, for that model and year, there were plenty of add-ons to sweeten the ride.

The other guy spent about the same amount of money on an economy car that was about half the age of the hotrod.

As fate would have it, both of these cars had transmission problems at about the same time. (I’m not making this up.) The cost of fixing the cars was about $1,000 each. But that is the only similarity in the two cars.

Not only did Mr. Muscle Car have to pay for a transmission, but he had to buy so much more. The after-market remote door opener quit working. The axle was bent. The brakes were bad.  The head gaskets needed replacing.

Even more, was the cost of gas. Our hot-rodder paid almost twice as much as the guy with the economy car. Since he liked showing off, he also went through tires at twice the rate. And of course, there were the three traffic tickets. Oh, I forgot to mention that sometimes it wouldn’t start and he missed work a couple times which almost cost him his job. (How do I know this? Because I almost fired him.)

So what does your car mean to you?

Don’t get me wrong. I like 4-wheel drive trucks and hot rods. But first, you have to be practical. Cars are one of the primary ways people lose control of their finances. The kid with the muscle car was always broke because he was always throwing money at the beast.

Having a hot rod project as your daily driver is like having a chunky girlfriend that cheats on you. She’s going to cost you a ton of money to feed and constantly let you down.

But it’s not just hotrods. Any car that costs more than you can afford is a major financial pitfall. Is having a car to impress all the people on the highway that you don’t know worth the expense?

Recently, while on vacation, I wanted to find a good workout routine that I could use on the road with no weights or special equipment. I enlisted the help of Christy Erb who is personal fitness trainer and specializes in home fitness.  If you do this workout to muscle failure for each exercise and then repeat, it should take about 20 – 25 minutes. Although this is not the ultimate workout, it is something that can be performed in a hotel room or guest bedroom. Believe it or not, the next day a I was a little sore in a couple of areas that I had been neglecting.

Big thanks to Christy for her time. If you’d like to check out more from her, check out christyerb.com.

You might first be asking, “What is a toxic relationship?” In general terms, a toxic relationship is one that breaks you down rather than builds you up.  It can be a friendship, a partnership, a business relationship or even a family member. But it’s a relationship that does you more harm than good.

There are many people out there who are what my wife terms ‘takers’. They don’t give anything into any relationship and a relationship with them is over when there is nothing left to take. They are like a swarm of locusts who consume until there is nothing left and then fly away to destroy something else.

We’ve all been in relationships with ‘takers’. But, sometimes we are too close to the fire to smell the smoke. So here are eight indicators of a poisonous relationship.

ONE- When this person calls, you either send it to voice mail or, if you do answer, you have to take a couple of deep breaths first.  Your subconscious knows the deal. Those quick reactions are your ‘tells’ revealing that you’ve been beat up too many times and really don’t want to deal with them again.

TWO- After a conversation with this person, you are emotionally exhausted. A relationship is about two people carrying equal shares of the load, but you’re tired from carrying them on your back. They are like emotional vampires, sucking all the life from your soul. After they leave, it’s no wonder that you really need a nap.

THREE- You always pick up the check. Oh sure, they’ll occasionally pick up the tab if it’s a small one so they can give the impression that they pay. But by and large, you pay for everything. Why? Because they are takers. Get it?

FOUR- You find yourself apologizing for him/her or making excuses for them. They really don’t care who they offend, embarrass or put out. Besides, that’s why they have you around…to clean up their messes.

FIVE- You keep them away from your other friends. After apologizing numerous times, you find ways to prevent their messes and don’t let them around your other friends. This is very good clue that there is something wrong with someone and deep down you know it.

SIX- Your conversations with them require you to mostly listen. If you do 20% of the talking and 80% of the listening, then you’re dealing with a person who not concerned about you at all. Mark my words. If this is you, then you are the patsy.

SEVEN- You find that you cross personal boundaries more often when you are with them, often doing things you regret. Why is it that ‘takers’ love to get you to do things that you’ll regret? Why do they like to drag you down? I’m not sure, but I believe it has something to do with the idea of having control over you. They want to display a power over you and this how they prove that they are, indeed, better than you.

EIGHT- They spend time at your place, but never at theirs. Well, it only makes sense. Who wants to clean up after you? You should be cleaning up after them.

There you go. Hopefully, these points can give you some perspective and help you recognize when you are in a relationship with a user. So, how do you handle the toxic relationship? What’s the best course of action to deal with a ‘taker’?

You know the answer.

There are two types of people I automatically don’t trust.  The first is the guy who just walks up to you in a public area and starts talking to you out of the blue. If you are in a busy area, a stranger walks up and starts a conversation, the odds are pretty high that there is a con coming. Just keep on your toes and you’ll see the scam headed your way. He needs some cash, wants to sell you something….

Think I’m cynical? Those are just the odds.

Now you may be wondering what the other type of person is that I don’t trust. Would you like to take a guess?

Lawyer?

Politician?

Car salesman?

No, no and no. With all those people, you know what you’re dealing with and you know that they have an agenda. As long as you know what the agenda is, you can you can only kick yourself if you fall for the trick.

The group I really don’t trust is the media. The media? That’s right. (No I’m not a conspiracy theorist.) Here’s a group that writes / broadcasts ‘the truth’ under the guise of being unbiased and impartial. Yet, they tend to be the most partial of all. Let me give you an example.

In the 80’s, Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush was running for President. (Whether or not you liked his politics is irrelevant to the point.) The press began asking if VP Bush could overcome the ‘Wimp Factor’. They had created a name for his supposed affliction and America began to have serious doubts if he was “man enough” to handle the office of the Presidency.

But the facts were absolutely opposite of the media’s reports. Bush had recently been the Director of the CIA. In his early years he had been the captain of his college baseball team. And before that, at the age of 19, he was a decorated WWII fighter pilot who had been awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross. Wimp? Not even close.

So where did the “Wimp Factor’ come from? It was fabricated by certain media figures. They created the problem and began reporting on it. Why? Because as the majority of the press were politically liberal and didn’t like the thought of another conservative being elected into the White House.

If you think the media is unbiased and fair, you are only kidding yourself. Recognize they have an agenda and they report with a slant toward that agenda.

I’m not only referring to the liberal media. There are some conservative media out there, too. And they have an agenda as well.

The lesson to be learned is not take everything for fact just because it is printed in the newspaper or broadcast on television. Put on your big boy pants and dig a little deeper. Often you’ll find that there is another side to the ‘truth’ that is being reported.

And as you learn to discern the angles and biases, you’ll find that you will have been developing this thing we call Wisdom.

A funny thing happened on my way to the marathon.

As a way to provide some inspiration to Mama and myself, we signed up to run a half marathon at the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon. For those of you who don’t know,  a half marathon is 13.1 miles. Mama and I ran together for the past few months getting ready for the race. It wasn’t that I needed to train to complete the race. It was a matter of the goal of my time. In fact, in addition to my shorter runs through the week, I ran a half marathon every Sunday morning in training.

Then, a week and a half before the race, I tore my calf muscle while working on a ladder. It was very painful. So for the next ten days, I didn’t run on it all. I only stretched it and iced it, hoping it would heal by the big day.

On the morning of the race, it felt fine.  I stretched it out and it looked like it was a go. I got dressed, hopped on the shuttle, but when I stepped off the bus…POW! (Yeah, that’s what it felt like.) It was bad. It felt like an ice pick in my calf.

So I did what any rational adolescent would do. I RAN THE RACE.

The first couple of miles was a mental drill to clear my mind and turn off the pain. Maybe there’s a story in there, but I was totally focused on choosing to treat the pain as a signal, rather than a feeling.

Enjoy the moment

Then an amazing thing happened. Since I could in no way compete with my time, I began to embrace the moment. It was no longer a competition to win, but an event to savor. I talked with all the Monkey Shoe Peeps (aka- the folks who were wearing Vibram Five Fingers). Any military received a big “Hooah!” and “Airborne!” from me. I especially went out of my way to encourage the kids who were running.

But that was just the competitors. I thanked all the volunteers handing out water. I thanked the people who were on the side cheering.

And, instead of taking off on my own, I ran the race with Mama.

When it was all said and done, I finished 50 minutes slower than my training times. And that’s OK.  Sometimes, in life, we look at the race all wrong. We are so focused on the finish line, we don’t enjoy the race.

So, am I glad I tore a calf muscle? Yeah, kinda.  I enjoyed that race. I enjoyed the time I spent with my wife. It reminded me to enjoy the race.

Like the t-shirt says, ‘Life is a Journey, Not a Destination.’

Crossing the Finish Line with Mama

I decided to try my hand at video.  I hope you enjoy.  If you have any comments, please drop me a note on Facebook.

The other day, I was in a crowded DMV.  It was the end of the month and since everyone waits until the last minute to do things, there were at least 40 people in the lobby standing in line.  All of the sudden, a woman entered the lobby and demanded to know who was driving the maroon Ford Taurus in the parking lot.

A woman at the front of the line turned around and replied, “That’s my car. What happened?”

To which the first woman proceeded to chew her out for leaving her kids in the car!

The mother (a term in which I am using in the biological sense only) was a rough looking gal, covered in tats. She was twice the size of the woman who was chewing her out. Then, surprisingly, she began yelling back at the first woman, saying things like, “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!” and threatened to strike the first woman.

With a room full of people staring at her, the ‘mother’ went and retrieved her children, a toddler and a three year old.

My question is: Do you have the courage to speak up? Do you have the courage to stand up for what’s right?

This woman, who I have never seen before and may never see again, had the courage to get in someone’s face. She put the safety of a stranger’s children ahead of how she felt or her own safety. Though I didn’t have the opportunity to tell her, I admire her and appreciate her.  She is one of the every-day heroes who make the world a better place to live.

In the early 90’s, I was with the team that built the original holding facilities at Guantanamo Bay. These were built for the Haitians fleeing to the United States. A rumor floated through the camps that if one could only step on U.S. soil, the Americans must let you stay. The Haitians knew that Florida was only 90 miles from Cuba. So close, but so far away. As a cruel joke, the Americans had built the camp on the shore where the Haitians could even see Florida on the horizon across the ocean.

About once every three weeks, one of the Haitians would decide to make a break for it. They would use something to throw over the fence, scramble down the rocks and dive into the water. The race was on as they swam with all their might. And to their amazement nobody would pursue. They would swim and swim and would finally reach the land. There they were welcomed by U.S. military personnel who would help them out of the water and then congratulate them on reaching the OTHER SIDE of Guantanamo Bay.

As islanders, the Haitians struggled with the concept of distance.  Rather than seeking information from people who had more knowledge, the “escapees” made decisions based on advice from people who had no knowledge of the topic. The land they saw was not Florida 90 miles away, it was the west side of GITMO about two miles away. Even if someone could swim that distance to Florida, they would have been hauled back to Port Au Prince just the same as if they were detained in Cuba.

It was really amusing, but it brings up a good question. How often do we take advice from people who have no clue? When you step back and look at it from a distance, it’s really funny. Here are some examples that I have seen (and I bet you have, too).

Get rich advice from the bum.

Pick-up lines from a guy that hasn’t been on a real date in three years…and may not again anytime in the near future.

Dieting tips from the obese guy.

Obviously, it’s a fool’s errand to listen to such advice. We can easily see how that is funny. But how often do we accept such advice in our own lives? And amazingly, these are often things that have major life implications. Let’s try a few different examples.

Promotion tips from a peer who hasn’t been able to get promoted.

Career guidance from a fellow student.

Advice on how to have more peace in your life from the friend whose life is out of control.

Relationship counseling from your single friends.

Money management strategies from the broke guy across the hall.

The challenge I have for you is to step out of your comfort zone. Rather than listening to idiots, find someone who is a success at what you are looking to improve and ask their advice. You will be surprised at how many of them will be willing to share their experiences with you.

Try it.

Question: Do you ever use the phrase “Not a problem” or “No problem”?

If you answered yes, then you might want to read on to discover if you are using it correctly. Why is this important? Because, if you are using it incorrectly, you may be seriously ticking people off and not even realize it. (If you were not aware that improper use of the phrase can be almost offensive, then you definitely need to read this.)

Proper Use of the Phrase

“Not a problem” or “No problem” can be used correctly in three ways.

1- As a response to being questioned if you will be able to complete a task or assignment. The response of “Not a problem” means you are confident that you will not only be able to complete the task in a timely manner and correctly, but that you will have some cushion in the time and there are no foreseeable obstacles which you cannot handle deftly.

Boss: How’s the ABC project coming?

Ted: It’s right on track.

Boss: Are you sure it will be ready by Friday?

Ted: Not a problem.

Excellent use of the phrase.

2- As a response to being thanked for something you’ve done beyond the call of duty. The use of “Not a problem” is meant to say “you’re welcome” in a modest way. This is not too different from the Spanish “De nada” (It’s nothing).

Boss- I didn’t know James would not be in today. Thank you so much for covering his area until I could get a replacement in. I really appreciate it.

Ted- Not a problem.

Again, excellent use of the phrase.

3- As a response to being thanked for something that was expected of you.

Boss- Can you bring me the ABC file?

Ted- Here you go.

Boss- Thanks.

Ted- Not a problem.

Although this is correct usage, it’s borderline and in the gray area. I would recommend using “You’re welcome” or “Anytime”.

Improper Usage

Now here are a couple of ways to use “Not a problem” incorrectly.

1- When being asked to do something, particularly if it is something in your job description.

Boss- Where’s the cover sheet for the ABC file?

Ted- Dang. I missed that.

Boss- Can you get that for me before lunch?

Ted- Not a problem.

Boss- If it’s not a problem, then why didn’t you do it in the first place?

2- When being instructed to do something, especially if it is something you should have already done.

Boss- Where’s the ABC file?

Ted- It’s in your inbox, boss.

Boss- I told you to turn it in to the comptroller. Go get it and hustle it down to his office. The VP is waiting on it.

Ted- Not a problem.

Boss- Yes, it IS a problem. Now, go!

As you see in the examples, these can torque people in their usage. The final response is usually not spoken, but they are usually thinking it.

Hopefully, this little lesson will help you from being misunderstood. Use of “Not a problem” or “No problem” has come into prominence with the younger crowd over past several years. But just like tattoos, misuse is rampant. Often these misunderstandings are with the people that sign your check.

In a previous post, I mentioned running into my old boss. At 13 years old, being big for my age, I went to work in the hayfields. How I got connected with Steve Fisher, I don’t remember. But he taught me things about life that I still carry with me today. I would like to expound upon one of the ideas that has been meaningful to me. Based on what I see every day, this idea would be helpful to a lot of people.

This lesson was first taught to me in the form a little pocket sized, spiral notebook. On my first day of work, Steve gave me that pocket notebook. He showed me how to keep track of all the hay we hauled each day by the number of loads and the number of bales per load.

Each week, Steve would take my book and compare my counts to his counts. Then he paid me for the hay we had hauled.

One week, as he was comparing the counts from his notes and my notes, he called me over to his desk and pointed out that I had forgotten to write down a load. And since I hadn’t written it down, he informed me that he wasn’t paying me for it. That was about 1/5 of the work for that day that I wasn’t getting paid for.

Steve just shrugged and said, “Nobody will take care of you like you.”

At 13, I was just a little dejected. But over the years, that lesson has taught me well.

I once had an employer forget to include a full Saturday overtime in my check. It was nine hours of time and a half. I don’t for a moment think he was intentionally trying to cheat me. But, because I carried a little spiral notebook with my hours written down, I was not shorted on my check.

As an officer in the Army, we were responsible to manage our own careers. Were your records in order? Was your picture updated? That’s up to you.

Over and again, I’ve watched that principle hold true. If you are expecting the boss to look out for your best interests all the time, you are kidding yourself. He’s got a business to run and other employees to look after. Even if he wants to do the absolute best for you, he can’t do what you can do for yourself.

Same holds true for your parents, your teachers, coaches, Congressmen, preachers…. the list goes on.

If you want the best life has to offer, you have to take care of yourself. If you are waiting for someone else to do it for you, you will always be limited to the scraps of other people’s leftovers.

Is there something in your life that you’ve been waiting for someone else to do for you? If so, what’s keeping you from getting up and doing it yourself?